Commitment Issues? What to Do When You’re Dating a Commitment-Phobe

The vast majority of people find themselves dating a commitment-phobe at least once in their lives. Dating someone with commitment issues can be very frustrating, especially when you feel emotionally invested in a partner and are keen to push things forward. People with a fear of romantic commitment are often said to have a fear of intimacy and exclusivity. They may tell you “it’s not you, it’s me”, and thankfully this is usually true. Their fear of agreeing to a long-term commitment is often never to do with how much they like the other person or their level of attraction towards them.

Are your expectations aligned?

Many relationships seem doomed from the start because expectations within the relationship differ. People with commitment issues often have negative opinions about relationships, which can be deep-rooted and stem from childhood. If you are eager to settle down with a commitment-phobe but can’t seem to bring them round to your way of thinking, it may be best to cut them loose and start looking for someone who is enthusiastic about entering into something more serious.

What is behind the phobia of commitment?

People who afraid of commitment may be unwilling to introduce you to their friends or family. They may keep big parts of their lives separate from their relationships and may make themselves uncontactable for long periods of time. The worst thing to do is to keep your concerns about their lack of commitment to yourself. The longer you leave things without bringing the topic up, the more time you may be wasting. Chances are you will be unable to change a commitment-phobe’s attitude towards the relationship and convince them to stick with it for the long haul. Nonetheless, relationships with commitment-phobes can be useful in the long-run, and you may learn a great deal from them. Your relationship may make it easier to identify commitment-phobes in future and avoid getting involved with them. You may even be able to salvage your relationship once you have helped your partner overcome their fear of commitment to you.

Ending a relationship with commitment issues

Once you are free of a commitment-phobe, you can focus your efforts on finding someone who wants the same things as you from a relationship. Being in a relationship with someone that won’t commit to you can be very damaging to your self-confidence, and you may find yourself constantly wondering if they are holding out for someone they like more. Some commitment-phobes are incredibly romantic at the start of a relationship before their enthusiasm and availability quickly start to fade away. The more time you waste on commitment-phobes, the more difficulty you might face with trusting people in the future.

Fear of commitment in other areas

People who are fearful of romantic commitment or often afraid to commit to other things, such as jobs and various life goals. They may find it hard to stick to objectives for a long period of time and may become bored with things very quickly. They may lack dedication, drive, and ambition. If you have found yourself in a relationship with someone like this, you may well wish to ask yourself whether it is worth putting any more time and energy into the arrangement. Your partner’s refusal to commit may cause your serious problems with anxiety and depression, leaving you experiencing huge emotional stability and feeling that your needs are not being met.

Is there a deep-rooted problem?

Some people with commitment issues have complex emotional problems stemming from certain traumatic events in their lives. If you really do love and feel attached to a commitment-phobe and suspect they require counseling or some other form of psychological assistance, you may wish to see if they will accept help. There’s always a chance that their attitude might change once they have received the care that they require. There are many reasons why someone may be afraid to commit to a romantic relationship or a big life change such as moving in together, getting married or having a baby. They may be afraid of getting hurt further down the line or may suspect that the other person’s declarations of love are not genuine.

Serial dating and commitment

Though many people with commitment issues prefer to partake in a long string of short-term relationships, those who frequently move from partner to partner don’t always have commitment issues. Many people simply prefer short-term relationships and simply have no interest in committing to another person on a long-term basis. Genuine commitment-phobes tend to be people who actually do wish to be in a committed relationship but feel they cannot pursue one, or those that say they are interested in commitment when they aren’t. Someone who is upfront and clear about not pursuing commitment from the start would not usually be regarded a commitment-phobe.

More reasons for commitment phobia

Reasons why someone might be fearful of commitment, include memories of their parents’ marital problems, the prospect of the relationship ending badly, a lack of trust or experiences of damaging past relationships involving cheating, abuse or other issues. Not all relationships involving people with commitment issues end badly. It is sometimes possible to work through commitment problems and come out stronger on the other side. Some professionals working in mental health specialise in dealing with commitment issues and can uncover the causes of it, helping people to improve their communication skills and overcome psychological challenges preventing them from committing to other people.

Seeking help and advice on commitment phobia

Talking to someone else who knows how to deal with a man with commitment issues can also be a great help. If you do know someone who has successfully worked through this problem, ask them what they did to overcome these challenges and whether they remained in the relationship or decided to move on. Once you know what causes commitment issues, you can find out more about how to date a commitment-phobe and whether the relationship is worth any more of your emotional investment and time. Some relationships with commitment-phobes blossom until both partners are fully invested in the relationship.